I decided to write a blog to keep record of the things God has been revealing to me through my Spirit and the reading of His Word. I don’t have the greatest memory and find that writing helps me to get my point across, as well as gain a better understanding as I go. I am just now getting back into my proper position with God and wanted to chronicle my journey from the beginning of my “fall”, to now when He has so graciously allowed me the time to be restored.
I had been out of church for almost 6 1/2 years. From the ages of 9 through 26, I was in church between 4-6 days a week. You would think having been in church, taught in a Christian school and by all appearances “grounded” in the Word of God, I would have had it together. Well, not so much. I even had myself fooled or should I say I was convinced that what I was giving was good enough.
I left the church due to a negative situation and I was angry. I was angry at the church leadership of the church I was attending and I was angry at God because I felt that He hadn’t protected me and allowed me to be mistreated without coming to my rescue. I left and for the next 6 1/2 years I complained, held on to my anger, quietly wished for the downfall of my aggressors and drifted further and further away from God.
A tragic event, one I never would have fathomed, happened a few months ago and shook me to my soul. I never felt my soul until that day when it was pierced by the deepest wound it could sustain without being shattered. I felt broken. I felt confused. I was hurt beyond measure. The emotional pain was manifested in the physical. A piece of me had died, literally and figuratively. I was completely bottomed out and knew of no one I could turn to but God. I cried out to my God and He heard me. There was no comfort to be given, but I knew He was helping me through. I’d hear His voice and feel His love surround me at my deepest moments. And then I thought…He loves me SO much that even after I abandoned Him for 6 1/2 years, He answered me when I called out. He heard me. He had compassion on me. Then He revealed the truth to me about what had happened years earlier at that church. God had not abandoned me and has always protected me, but like Jesus and his disciples, I had to go through a trial to learn a lesson, just as all of His children must. My immaturity and sin prevented me from seeing clearly. But in my utter brokenness, I was finally able to see.
I saw God’s hand in everything. I recall visiting churches (I think about 6 or so) and never feeling comfortable in any. I had an uneasy feeling. I have always believed that leaders should be held at a certain standard. “To whom much is given, much is required,”right? (Luke 12:48) I never felt as though the leadership of the churches I encountered, whether personally or many on tv, were truly seeking God. I heard so much about money, prosperity, new levels and blessings, but very little of the absolute sacrifice that walking with Christ requires.
Well, I began attending church again and took time to fast and pray because I knew I needed God and I needed Him like never before. I had no sense of direction and questioned everything. I wanted to start over. Start fresh and get rid of anything that was not like Him. I have never had a Christian leader, pastor or otherwise, that I could say followed the principles that Jesus Christ taught; that showed love and compassion, kindness, forgiveness, but also walked in the authority of the gifts the Holy Spirit has bestowed upon all of us that are called by His name. I decided that I wanted to know what my responsibility was from God directly. I don’t want another man’s interpretation. I wanted God to tell me who He created me to be. I began attending a church I was previously a member of and found a place where I felt the leadership was seeking God. They were taking care of God’s people both inside and outside of the church. The pastor there teaches on a level that those who are have been weaned from “milk” can be properly trained for discipleship. I learn at church, but most importantly, I spend time in God’s presence. What I hear in church is a reinforcement of the things God reveals to me in our time alone.
I am a work in progress and only desire to know the heart of God. I am happy to say that the transition has begun. The posts that follow will detail my journey and if anyone reads this, I hope you find something that will help you on your walk.
“Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to present you faultless before the presence of His glor with exceeding joy, to God our Savior, who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and forever. Amen.” Jude 1:24-25